Thursday, 10 July 2014

Animal Magic

Despite rumours of rain encroaching from the East, the morning dawned brightly so I determined on a spot of wildlife watching. I ventured forth, clutching rather inadequate binoculars in my sweaty medium-sized hand. The weather was truly glorious, the sky an intense, cloudless blue, a couple of acrobatic swifts overhead, screaming and diving with effortless aerial agility. I was heading for a nearby nature reserve, or 'mosaic of habitats', sandwiched between the River Erewash and the Erewash Canal on one side, and the clanking, grinding expanse of Toton railway sidings on the other. On previous visits I had been overjoyed to witness the lightning bejewelled flash of kingfishers along the river bank, so I was hopeful of another glimpse of the halcyon bird.

(A kingfisher perched on a branch, embarrassed by its dowdy plumage)

My first glimpse of the reserve, though, caused a temporary disappointment as somebody had obviously been very busy with the lawn mower/scythe as a considerable area of the thistles, nettles, and brambles near the path had been severely denuded. This had previously provided ideal fluttering ground for butterflies and their absence would be unacceptable! I spotted a path of sorts between the remaining greenery and stumbled clumsily along, immediately feeling that most enjoyable of sensations, the burning sting of nettles scraping along my bared shins. It was worth the momentary discomfort, though, as I spied a Painted Lady (the butterfly, not a woman covered in emulsion sprawled amidst the foliage). This is a migratory butterfly, hailing originally from North Africa ("coming over here, laying eggs on our nettles....") and was a large specimen, the orange and white patches on its wings gleaming in the cleansed light. A sudden fusillade of birdsong behind me caused me to spin round - one hand feverishly scratching the nettle rash on my shapely leg, the other fumbling for my binoculars - but it had fled before I could establish a clear sighting; a Wren, I surmised.

(Painted Lady, Vanessa cardui, latter from Greek: kardos = thistle)

The river was flowing gently, idly along, murmuring gently as it navigated round a boulder in mid-stream. A dog was cavorting with a stick further upstream, two lads egging it on to further frivolity. Despite being shallow, there were a lot of fish swimming in its clear waters, some quite large. That is as far as the natural history of fishes goes on this blog as my knowledge of them is sadly deficient. Similarly, there were dragonflies and damselflies aplenty but my identification skills are hazy; I did spot the distinctive needle-shaped Common Blue Damselfly, and there was a Brown Hawker around too. Banded and Beautiful Demoiselles are more delicate and intensely coloured and seemed engaged in some form of combat (or mating).  I always think these delightful insects have such a primeval air about them; one can imagine them gliding around some prehistoric swamp with dinosaurs lumbering around and going extinct in the background. Sadly, though, there were no kingfishers on the river today; they must be way of exuberant youths.

I was hungry for more lepidoptera and trained my laser-like gaze at the surrounding verdancy. There were Meadow Browns in profusion, and the ubiquitous Large Whites but no Peacocks, my favourite, a quite stunningly iridescent insect. Then, another beautiful species, the Small Tortoiseshell, hove into view. This butterfly has declined a lot in the South but I have seen many in recent years so they must be fluorishing in the East Midlands. Butterflies, of course, are so damned difficult to identify sometimes without the requisite equipment; I imagined myself equipped with a huge butterfly net, flailing wildly and inexpertly around, getting it entangled in power lines or wrapped around a thug's shaven head. No, best just rely on the visuals. I was able to identify a Comma through my eyes, principally by the rather frayed, irregular outline of its wings. The UK Butterflies website correctly if rather harshly describes it as looking like "a tatty Small Tortoiseshell".

(Comma Butterfly basking in its tattiness)

Rabbits are rife in this reserve and, sure enough, I soon caught the briefest of sights of a white scut disappearing in the undergrowth. Further along, I saw a pair of large ears sticking above the grass and a hint of staring rabbit eye. I stopped a fair distance away and pointed the binoculars in tits direction, only to be confronted with the sight of a pair of legs disappearing once more out of view. Rabbits are such a familiar animal yet I still get a twitch of excitement when I see a wild specimen - I blame Art Garfunkel.

Birds were present in numbers, as their sweet trills and melodies signified, but sightings were meagre (save a proud Whitethroat venting its song from the treetops) until, leaning over the parapet of a bridge looking into river, some indefinable commotion behind me caused me to turn round to be confronted by a Song Thrush looking quizzically at me from atop a concrete pole. Then, as I turned to move on, a flash of scarlet out of the corner of my eye before it was enfolded by the shadows. I focussed my binoculars on the depths of the bush and there was a Bullfinch, preening its feathers in the gloom, its chest puffed out like a regimental sergeant-major. A beautiful bird and well worth the admission fee, even though there was't one.

(Photo of a Bullfinch that I didn't take)

It was a thoroughly enjoyable walk, sweeping the debris of the torrid night from the alcoves of my mind. However, the new high-speed rail line, HS2, will come right through Toton and the East Midlands Hub station is due to be built near here. I hope this little patch of wildlife-rich rus in urbe doesn't fall victim to this development.  As Gerard Manley Hopkins wrote in 'Pied Beauty':

GLORY be to God for dappled things—
  For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
    For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
  Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;        
    And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Requiem for Satao

On Friday it was confirmed that one of Kenya's largest male elephants, Satao, an enormous 'tusker', had been brutally slain by poachers for his ivory. I found the killing of this noble animal profoundly depressing and a savage indictment of humanity. It is therefore a lament for an individual elephant but, if the poachers and the ivory-seekers have their way, it may ultimately turn out to be a requiem for elephants in the wild. If this were to come to pass, it would be one of the most shameful and unforgivable moments in mankind's already blood-soaked record of decimating the wondrous biodiversity of our fragile planet. Thankfully, there are numerous people and charities working untiringly to prevent this dread scenario from coming to pass - we owe them a great debt of gratitude.

This poem was inspired by reading about Satao and, although I recognise that it is extremely far from being decent poetry, it is heartfelt and the only tribute I can really offer.


This was your domain, your empire, your land;
The land where you made the mountains shake,
The land that trembled at your imperious command.

The sky paid homage to your regal presence,
The earth knelt before your tumultuous majesty,
The trees bowed in supplication before your rampant charge.

Your joyous, triumphant cry echoed to the stars:
"I am Satao, Kenya's greatest son".

Your tusks shone like pristine snow in the molten glare,
Spearing the heavens with ancient pride.
Now they lie on a far away shelf,
Carved with care into a worthless trinket.

Now you dwell in a different land
The ancestral home where your forefathers roam
The land of eternal splendour,
Where your victorious fanfare will resound for evermore:

"I am Satao, Kenya's greatest son!".



Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Vile Product of Britain's Sick Conservative State


This evil man embodies everything that is wrong with the Department for Work and Pensions, a man who has just been convicted of multiple counts of incompetence: he relies on Britain's hard-working families to pay his money, openly bragging that he could live on £53 a week; has fathered at least 17 illegitimate and useless policies; enjoys sordid austerity exercises with his sick cronies; was sacked from his only job, a menial post as leader of the Conservative Party; and openly goes on TV to brag about his depraved and shameless lifestyle.


He has committed one of the most horrible crimes against the poor, the sick, and the vulnerable in Britain in recent years. And it was done out of malice in a ham-fisted plot to destroy the Welfare State. It is time to lift the lid on the bleak and often grotesque world of the Conservative party politician, trapped in a cycle of abuse, callousness, hate, and a pathetic inability to see that they have done anything wrong. They are moral degenerates.








Monday, 13 August 2012

A Flame Extinguished

We were promised that the Olympics closing ceremony was going to be a celebration of bad miming to British music and, with the notable exception of One Dimension, this proved to be the case. The tone was set from the start when those titans of the British rock industry - Huw Edwards, Hazel Irvine, and the other bloke - were chosen by the BBC to make fatuous and banal comments over the music we were supposed to be celebratin'.

The quality was, of course, variable. The aforementioned gang of schoolboys, One Direction, simply gave up on even bothering to mime and just postured on the back of a lorry instead. The one direction they should have gone in was straight out of the stadium and into the Thames. One Dissection have, in fact, been referred to the International Boyband Federation after allegations they simply weren't trying to qualify for any applause, but I suspect that was as good as it gets from them. George Michael's 'Freedom' was a good choice and chimed well with the Olympic ideal, but his second song was protracted, obscure, and just too crap for such an event. I wasn't convinced by the need for the hirsute, priapic Russell Brand to declaim 'I am the Walrus' into a loudhailer either. I suppose we should be grateful that Liam Gallagher managed to refrain from bellowing a hail of profanities at the assembled throng; it certainly would have been a treat to see Noel's luxuriant mono-brow gyrating like an apoplectic caterpillar at the sight of his treasured sibling sneering through his composition on the world stage.

The parade of the athletes into the stadium clearly took a lot longer than the organisers envisaged and soon became wearisome; there are only so many shots of Montenegrin yachtsmen or Costa Rican fencers taking photos of each other and yelling "Hello Mum" one can take. We were occasionally treated to shots of some of the volunteers windmilling their arms at the Olympians in a vain effort to get them to get a shift on. Elbow tried manfully to extend their uplifting anthems but it ultimately meant the soundtrack of the songs we had already heard were played again, giving us another chance to hear One Digression's lame effort.

And then there were The Spice Girls being driven around on the top of London taxis. I am pleased to confirm that another world record was broken during this segment: Victoria Spice has now held the same sulkily pouting facial expression for 15 years and 27 minutes so shove that up your six-pack, Ennis. It seemed she might fail to break the record at one stage as she was filmed making increasingly panicky grabs at the handrail but her features held firm.

Posh Beckham breaks world record and adopts celebratory splay-legged Bambi stance 

That old trooper, Ginger Spice (who was 73 last month), also set personal bests  in the unsynchronised dancing and asymmetric boobs. I surely can't have been the only viewer, though, to hope the drivers would suddenly slam their brakes on and cause the the caterwauling coven to dash their talentless bones to pieces on the stadium floor. Mind you, it was during their turn that the camera thankfully fastened on Bozza Johnson 'dancing' like an electrocuted beluga whale; at least he managed to avoid impaling the Mayor of Rio on the Olympic flag. However, I really could have done without a gaggle of models stalking surlily up the catwalk; Kate Moss could only have been there as a reminder of the great debt British music and fashion owes to the Colombian narcotics industry, whilst the presence of violent yobette, Naomi Campbell, was baffling. I suppose we should at least be grateful she avoided ramming a stiletto heel into the eye of a disabled volunteer, or kicking Mo Farah in the knackers.

The ceremony also confirmed what many of us had long suspected: Prince Harry and Kate Middleton are now clearly stepping out together. Poor Wills was left at home in an empty, echoing palace, polishing his bald patch and playing with his toy helicopters, while his wife and brother openly cuckolded him in public. Poor show!


Harry: "Back to your places or mine?"

But there were stand-out moments - Madness; a Kate Bush song; the Mod scooters; Ray Davies performing the sublime 'Waterloo Sunset'; Eric Idle leading a decent sing-a-long; and The Who showing they can still perform live, with power and passion (take note Mr McCartney) - and it was good to see Anita Dobson can still churn out a decent guitar solo. Overall, not a bad gig and the Brits done good.

Sunday, 5 August 2012

Chariots of Fire

There is a miserable, non-entity of a Conservative MP called Aidan Burley who infamously tweeted that the gloriously eccentric and anarchic Olympic opening ceremony was "leftie multicultural crap". We should not, perhaps, be surprised by this as the last time this chap bothered the news was when he attended a stag do with his very funny mates dressed as Nazis. Burley whimpered that his tweet had been "misunderstood" which merely proved that he had no idea what his own witless fingers were writing. It would have been interesting, therefore, to be a fly on the wall in Burley's household when black Muslim immigrant Mo Farah romped home in the 10,000 metres last night and then draped himself in the Union flag; perhaps he shared a consolatory beer with Nick Griffin and John Terry.

The magnificent, soul-swelling, heart-bursting victories of Farah and Jessica Ennis - glowing with vitality; exuding radiant grace and elegance; smiling pure sunshine - represent the life-affirming victory of a Britain that Burley and his egregious ilk will never understand and will never accept: a Britain that is open, inclusive, warm, and welcoming; a Britain that joyfully welcomes the fact that, no matter your colour, your creed, your background, you are British and can represent Britain with as much pride and distinction as anybody. That was the truly memorable message of yesterday's events. I mean, even a pale, ginger (GINGER!) bloke won the long jump and there is no minority more traduced than us gingers! The only sour note of the whole day occurred in the velodrome when Sir Paul Macca's querulous yowling caused deep distress and offence to many spectators.

When these athletes, including the rowers and cyclists, give their post-race interviews they are characterised by good humour, self-deprecation, and generosity to everyone who has helped them. With the rowers, in particular, this is all the more remarkable as they clearly go through intense physical, mental and emotional pain to achieve victory; some almost physically disintegrate with weariness at the finishing line. Many are clearly grateful for the massive avuncular frame of Sir Steve Redgrave to collapse onto once they reach terra firma; sometimes, his brawny arm will appear from off camera and give them an additional celebratory/consolatory pinch that would make a polar bear yelp. Compare this to the whingeing, whining, inarticulate, self-exculpatory and self-aggrandising interviews given by many footballers (and their managers) after their latest tedious failure. As the banking scandals have proved, paying people vastly more money than they deserve does not mean they will perform any better. For no amount of money can ever match the commitment, passion and determination shown by Farah, Ennis, Pendleton, Sir Hoy, et al.

 

Sunday, 15 July 2012

G4S-on-Sea Security Fiasco

Anger erupted and uproar was roared this week when it was revealed that G4S-on-Sea platoon will be unable to provide the number of security guards needed to make the Olympics interesting, I mean safe. Captain Mainwaring, CEO of the lamentable platoon, and also a banker, said he was aware only nine days ago of the problems. I have obtained a transcript of that fateful meeting:

MAINWARING: "Right, gather round, men, I have a top secret mission for the platoon. We have been awarded, after an open and transparent bidding process, and rigorous contractual negotiations, the contract to provide security for the Olympic Games. Pretty impressive honour, eh?"

SERGEANT WILSON: "Do you think that's wise, Sir?"

MAINWARING: "Oh, don't be ridiculous, Wilson. That's defeatist talk".

WILSON: "I'm most awfully sorry, sir, it's just.....well.....do you think we have enough men?"

MAINWARING: (livid) "Have enough men?! We are Blighty's finest provider of security solutions for a wideranging customer base. We specialise in outsourced business processes. Of course, we'll be.....

PRIVATE GODFREY: "Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring, I'm terribly sorry but could I be excused? My sister Dolly and I polished off a delightful bottle of sherry last night and I'm afraid......(tails off)

MAINWARING: (exasperated) Oh really, Godfrey, go on if you must. Now.....

CORPORAL JONES: "Permission to speak, sir?"

MAINWARING: "What is it now?"

JONES: "When we provided security for the Sudan Olympics, the fuzzy-wuzzies...."

MAINWARING: (interrupts hurriedly) "Jones, we don't use language like that anymore, this isn't some 1970's comedy show. Didn't you attend the Diversity and Inclusivity Focus Group last week?"

PRIVATE PIKE: (sidling up to Wilson, tugging his sleeve) "Uncle Arthur....Uncle Arthur".

WILSON: "What is it now, Frank?"

PIKE: "You know Mum doesn't like me going to East London because of me chest..."

FRASER: "I tell ye, Mainwaring, it's going to be a shambles, a total shambles. G4S is DOOMED, DOOMED!"

Theme music plays:

"Who do you think you are kidding Lord Coe?
If you think the Games will be well run
We are the boys who can't provide security for your little games...."


(G4S security guards on manoeuvres)

Theresa May MP, Home Secretary, has issued a statement on the debacle:

"'The Government's over-riding priority is to use all resources necessary to deliver a safe and secure Olympic Games but concerns have arisen about the ability of G4S-on-Sea to deliver the required number of guards for all Olympics venues. I have been constantly monitoring the situation and it has only just become clear that Private Godfrey has a urinary tract infection, Private Pike is a stupid boy, Corporal Jones is 124 years old and has a tendency to panic, Walker is a thief, and Fraser is insane. In addition, it is now clear that most of them are, in fact, dead. I can confirm there remains no specific threat of excitement at the Games and the boredom threat level remains unchanged at IMMINENT".

Mrs May then went on to defend the Home Office's apparent inability to organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

What is Depression?

What is Depression?


Depression is: mind-sludge, brain-filth, thistle-thoughts, thorns jagging and tearing, barbed-wire in the skull

Depression is: being home to a leprous toad, a putrescent rat, squatting in your soul, seeping foul, noxious fumes into your thoughts

Depression is: pyroclastic flows of misery, magma chambers of broiling fear, lava beds of scalding terror

Depression is: lying entombed in abyssal sediment, rusted and corroded; becalmed and beached on a grey and desolate shore

Depression is: seeking womb-warmth, foetal safety, amniotic comfort, the maternal shield

Depression is: craving monastic solitude, cloistral serenity, turning your face away, hiding under the pillow, loathing the world and its bruised beauty

Depression is: seeing the world through a steel mesh, a black gauze; seeing your life on a film screen, alienated and uninterested, fast-forward to the end.

Depression is: brutal, cosmic loneliness, alone in the Universe, cries fading, unheeded, across the inter-stellar emptiness; galactic grief

Depression is: being flayed alive, eviscerated, exposed to cruel scrutiny and malevolent laughter; nerve-ends quivering in torn, harrowed, scraped flesh

Depression is: limbs encased in concrete, body pressed by iron weights, soul mangled and crushed by geological boredom

Depression is: abject humiliation, avoiding the stranger’s gaze like a wounded animal, imposed servility, crawling abasement, shame-riven, guilt-tossed

Depression is: searching for healing herbs to strew in the chambers of the maimed brain; for aromatic balms and soothing lotions to smear on mind-wounds, soul-lesions

Depression is: the lozenged sunlight on rippling water, the blackbird’s song in the summer warmth, the bluebell’s vibrancy in the woodland glade: seeing all this, recognising all this - but feeling none of it.

Depression is: cupping your hands around the frail, flickering candle-flame of hope, sheltering it from the gusts and tempests that would blow it out and extinguish all light and all hope.