Germ Warfare

Across Europe people have been falling ill, tragically even dying, from this virulent and highly infectious illness. Symptoms include violent and copious vomiting; tsunamic diarrhoea; feelings of severe nausea, dizziness and lassitude; feverish sweating; brain cramps; and monomaniacal obsession with a particular person. Scientists are baffled, health experts stumped - just what has caused this outbreak of exponentially multiplying stories about Cheryl E. Coli? One suggestion is that a bacterium called Simonia Cowellensis is the microscopic organism to blame. This is an extremely toxic and terrifyingly ubiquitous germ which has the capacity to ravage human beings, robbing them not only of their physical health, but totally destroying their ability to think rationally. If the infection is not treated immediately, the victim becomes a gibbering wreck, robbed of all dignity and self-respect. Toxicologists have advised people to take the following steps if they want to avoid this lethal disease:

1) Avoid reading Daily Mirror/The Sun/Daily Star and, if you read one accidentally, disinfect your entire body afterwards;
2) Do not, under any circumstances, watch ITV. Simonia Cowellensis finds this barren, sterile environment ideal for breeding;
3) Always wash radishes.


(Enlarged photo of foul, pestilential virus, Simonia Cowellensis)

Speaking of harmful and unpleasant germs that need eradicating quickly, David Cameron MP has today unveiled his 'five guarantees' for the future of the NHS. Cameron, looking suave in a top hat, monocle and a Jimmy Choo negligee, vowed that:

1) Hospital waiting lists will be kept entirely for the poor;
2) Eugenics will be introduced free at the point of use for anybody who works for a public service;
3) The NHS will remain a free, universal service (except for those who cannot access it or afford it);
4) Local GPs will be handed an enormous amount of money so that they can ensure their bank accounts remain fit, healthy and their only concern. Any services that interfere with this noble aim will be discontinued;
5) Hospitals will be renamed morgues to reassure people that the NHS will remain safe in Conservative hands.


(Cameron: "I say, old bean, the poor really do stink, what?")