Obamarama

Elongated US President Bazza Obama, his statuesque wife, Michael, and a modest entourage of 32,678, descended on plucky Blighty this week. The royal couple started in Ireland, from whence Obama's great-great-great grandad, Norris McWhirter O'bama, left to seek his fortune in the USA. Sadly, his dreams turned to ashes and he ended his days as a bison in the Badlands of North Alabamassippi; he finally came to grief when he was kicked to death by feared Sioux warrior and architect Chief Galloping Nostril (immortalised by a raging Charles Hawtrey in the classic romantic comedy 'Nostril Kicks a Bison to Death').

As it was a state visit, the Obamas were taken in their 2 mile long Cadillac, nicknamed 'The Beast', to Buck House, where Liz and Phil had interrupted a game of British Bulldog in order to greet them. Liz peered down the Mall and inquired: "Have you see The Beast?". Phil replied, "Yes, Camilla's in the khazi munching on a bale of hay". When The Beast finally pulled up, Phil whispered to Liz: "Are these the new servants you were talking about?". Obama uncoiled himself from the Beast's depths and said:

OBAMA: "Hi....Yes, we can!.....how are you, your royal Edinboroughness"

PHIL: "Bloody hell, it's Huggy Bear!"

OBAMA: "I hear you guys were in Irelandland last week....Yes, we can!....did you enjoy the craic over there?"

PHIL: "No, Mr Bear, Lizzie keeps me on a tight leash these days. She wouldn't even let me attack the black stuff.....no offence meant, Mr Freeman."


(OBAMA: "Psst, your husband thinks I'm Huggy Bear. LIZ: "I'm sorry, Mr Luther King, he's from Greece.")

Obama made a speech to MPs and Peers in the ancient surroundings of Westminster Hall. One row consisted of all the living former Prime Ministers: Brown, Blair, Major, Cameron - but no Thatcher. The Iron Lady was too busy mixing eye of newt and kneecap of bat in her cauldron at home. Her welcome absence presented a dilemma - who could replace one of the most hated political figures in British history? Step forward, Mr Clegg, your time has come! Blair and Brown sat uneasily next to each other; they reminded of something but I could not put my finger on it. Then it came to me:


(Cissie Blair and Ada Brown enjoy emotional reunion)

Fortunately, I was able to lipread their conversation:

BLAIR: "Eee, Browny love, I hear you fancy going t'IMF."

BROWN: (looks puzzled, gurns, pushes up man boobs) "Nay, Blairy lass, I don't fancy any more bairns, not with me being a martyr to me...(mouths "haemorrhoids").

BLAIR: (Tuts) "Don't be so silly, Browny love, that's IVF, you twattish barm cake."

Meanwhile, it's been a bad few weeks for fugitive war criminals. First, Osama had his beard blown off by Steven Seagal; then, brutal Serb warlord Ratko Mladic was found lurking in a Serbian skip; and now, the most ruthless of them all, Sepp Blatter, leader of the notoriously corrupt mafia mob, FIFA, has been accused of corruption himself. Amazingly, his case has been referred to FIFA's ethics committee! FIFA has an ethics committee?! That's akin to the SS having an Etiquette Panel. Still, Obama's final gesture showed just how much he values the 'special relationship': he authorised the extradition of the notorious slapper of female toilet attendants, scrawny Geordie warbler Cheryl Cole, back to the UK. Cheers, canny lad!

Up the Injunction

Controversy continues to rage about the use of injunctions, or super-injunctions, taken out by celebrities/footballers/chefs/footballers to protect unwholesome details of their extra-curricular activities being splashed all over the tabloids. The blogosphere and the Twitterati have been rife with rumours as to the identities of these misbehaving litigants. One is thought to be a footballer called Bryan Jiggs whom, I can exclusively reveal, I have never heard of. Jiggsy allegedly enjoyed romps in hotel rooms with former Big Brother slapper George Orwell or someone. Elephant-eared, wide-gobbed satyr Andrew Marr outed himself as one of the instigators; he took out an injunction believing he had begat an ugly baby after an affair with another journalist. But some of the rumours are wrong - Jemima Khan was greatly distressed when it was alleged that she had taken out an injunction to prevent publication of intimate photos of her with Jeremy Clarkson. Khan said “The allegations are ludicrous. Everybody knows that it is Richard Hammond who has his tongue wedged up Clarkson’s cleft, not me”.

I can also reveal the following injunctions have been applied for:

Mr Nick Clegg and All Students

Nick Clegg is believed to have conducted a passionate affair with thousands of students in the period before the last General Election. One female student revealed “Nick Clegg wooed me with flowers, chocolates, and policy pledges. He said if I promised to vote for him forever he would look after me and pay for my degree in the History of Lawnmowers and Synchronised Swimming Studies at the University of Trumpton. Then, he stopped answering my calls, he ignored my protests. I feel so used and cheap. He’s put me off Liberal Democrats for life“.

Mr Tony Blair and Mr Colonel Gaddafi


(Blair: "My word of honour, I have never met Gaddafi")

Colonel Gaddafi alleges that Tony Blair struck up a starry-eyed romance after they met on a camping holiday in Libya. Blair pestered Gaddafi with mucky texts such as: “I want you to cover me in your oil, Mad Dog baby” and “I want to park my massive tanker in your lovely harbour. Cherie sends her love”. Blair is now frantically trying to prevent details of this relationship being made public as it might make, say, the Uzbek Toilet Roll Fellowship think twice before paying him £25,000 a second to listen to his self-justificatory, pseudo-religious claptrap of an evening.


(Blatter looks contrite after bribery allegations)

In other news, allegations of widespread corruption at FIFA have provoked a storm of no surprise whatsoever. It seems that money may have changed hands before Qatar’s laughably successful bid to host the World Cup in 2022. The appalling Sepp Blatter promised FIFA would move “very fast to fully ignore the evidence before finding everybody not guilty. Now, I have to go to a meeting with the Antarctica and Sahara Desert World Cup 2026 bid teams”. But perhaps English football is not so clean: can there be any other explanation for Birmingham City winning a trophy this season?