Up the Injunction

Controversy continues to rage about the use of injunctions, or super-injunctions, taken out by celebrities/footballers/chefs/footballers to protect unwholesome details of their extra-curricular activities being splashed all over the tabloids. The blogosphere and the Twitterati have been rife with rumours as to the identities of these misbehaving litigants. One is thought to be a footballer called Bryan Jiggs whom, I can exclusively reveal, I have never heard of. Jiggsy allegedly enjoyed romps in hotel rooms with former Big Brother slapper George Orwell or someone. Elephant-eared, wide-gobbed satyr Andrew Marr outed himself as one of the instigators; he took out an injunction believing he had begat an ugly baby after an affair with another journalist. But some of the rumours are wrong - Jemima Khan was greatly distressed when it was alleged that she had taken out an injunction to prevent publication of intimate photos of her with Jeremy Clarkson. Khan said “The allegations are ludicrous. Everybody knows that it is Richard Hammond who has his tongue wedged up Clarkson’s cleft, not me”.

I can also reveal the following injunctions have been applied for:

Mr Nick Clegg and All Students

Nick Clegg is believed to have conducted a passionate affair with thousands of students in the period before the last General Election. One female student revealed “Nick Clegg wooed me with flowers, chocolates, and policy pledges. He said if I promised to vote for him forever he would look after me and pay for my degree in the History of Lawnmowers and Synchronised Swimming Studies at the University of Trumpton. Then, he stopped answering my calls, he ignored my protests. I feel so used and cheap. He’s put me off Liberal Democrats for life“.

Mr Tony Blair and Mr Colonel Gaddafi


(Blair: "My word of honour, I have never met Gaddafi")

Colonel Gaddafi alleges that Tony Blair struck up a starry-eyed romance after they met on a camping holiday in Libya. Blair pestered Gaddafi with mucky texts such as: “I want you to cover me in your oil, Mad Dog baby” and “I want to park my massive tanker in your lovely harbour. Cherie sends her love”. Blair is now frantically trying to prevent details of this relationship being made public as it might make, say, the Uzbek Toilet Roll Fellowship think twice before paying him £25,000 a second to listen to his self-justificatory, pseudo-religious claptrap of an evening.


(Blatter looks contrite after bribery allegations)

In other news, allegations of widespread corruption at FIFA have provoked a storm of no surprise whatsoever. It seems that money may have changed hands before Qatar’s laughably successful bid to host the World Cup in 2022. The appalling Sepp Blatter promised FIFA would move “very fast to fully ignore the evidence before finding everybody not guilty. Now, I have to go to a meeting with the Antarctica and Sahara Desert World Cup 2026 bid teams”. But perhaps English football is not so clean: can there be any other explanation for Birmingham City winning a trophy this season?

Video Nasties

The Americans continue to drip-feed us information about their special forces day trip to Pakistan. One video shows an uncertain Osama fluffing his lines while filming one of his excitingly interminable video messages:

"Good morning, everyone. My name is Osama bin Laden and you are all going to die. Now, who would live in a house like this?.....sorry, can we do that again?"

Another video shows a grey-bearded Osama watching one of his own videos; so not only was he a mass murderer but the vain git also dyed his hair. Many of these murderous despots - Mubarak, Gaddafi, Cameron - seem fond of slapping the old black dye on their terrible heads. Osama was believed to be watching this video on a Saturday evening as Pakistani TV is notoriously dire at this time, consisting purely of infantile game shows, a lame and formulaic hospital drama, and raucous and wildly overrated 'talent' shows. We must be thankful that we do not have to put up with such drivel on a Saturday evening, despite the sterling efforts of Vernon Kay.

I have also managed to acquire exclusive video of Osama relaxing in front of the recent royal wedding, blithely unaware of the terrible fate that will soon befall Kate Middleton.....I mean, Osama himself. His running commentary can just be heard:

"Look at the Zionist imperialist infidel pig-dogs.........I knew we should have bombed this instead of the Olympics (turns to camera) can we edit that last comment out?.........Nice to see Kate wearing face veil.........Phwoar, look at Kate's sister, she is decent bit of Western totty, would make good wife number 20 for Osama (sound of wife number 19 complaining bitterly)........calm down, darling, Osama only making joke with you, innit babe?.......Crikey, look at bastard Posh Spice, why she always look so bloody miserable? She got face like slapped camel's arse. Perhaps she just listen to her last album....HA, HA, HA , HA, HA.....Hey, wives, start laughing, Osama just make bloody funny joke (sound of lacklustre laughter).....look, you knew what I was like when you married me, now get in kitchen and get Osama a bastard Ginsters pasty.........good decision to make Kate's dress an ivory gown with lace applique and rose, thistle, daffodil and shamrock details............what is this Fearne Cotton thing? Osama would like to hit her on back of neck with bastard plank............there is Elton John with Yankee imperialist wife, I hope he sings 'Saturday Night's All Right for Bombing'........WE WANT A KISS, WE WANT A KISS!......Osama bored now, where is bastard remote?"

In other news, former Wings bassist, Paul 'Macca' McCartney (Stella's dad), has announced his engagement to wealthy American heiress, Nancy Shevell; many people are sceptical as they think Macca is marrying her purely for her money. After his last disastrous marriage, Macca said he was looking for "a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet".

We Got Him!

Incredibly, some people do not accept he is dead. "Show us the photographic evidence", they clamour. Without seeing the photos a small band of fanatics will still believe their leader lives. "No, the corpse is in too gruesome a state", comes the reply, "this guy has clearly suffered a terrible drubbing and public disclosure would cause great distress". But now even his most dedicated followers admit that Nick Clegg is no more. Details are sketchy but Clegg has been accused of using interns as a human shield to protect him from attacks; he was also rumoured to have been naked apart from a proposal for reform of the House of Lords. His demise was greeted with joyful celebrations in some quarters. One celebrant, Mr Chris Huhne, declared: "We got him! This man ruined my life when he destroyed my career as the rightful leader of the Lib Dems. Now justice has been done."

You Say Osama, I Say Obama....

So, the Americans have finally killed that perpetrator of terrible violence, Henry Cooper. No, of course this is the news of the death of gangly, bearded Yankophobe, Osama bin Laden, the 'most wanted man in the world'. (the most wanted woman in the world is, apparently, Pippa Middleton). Osama was taken out in his retirement villa just before settling down to Loose Women, a programme which validates many of his views about Western civilisation. When the news broke crowds of drunken, bone-headed students congregated outside the White House, punching the air and chanting "U-S-A, U-S-A!" in that acutely annoying way they use whenever the US is deemed to have kicked some goddamn foreigner's ass. Many seemed to have mistaken an international event for a home score in Base Hockey, or whatever bloody silly game they play over there.

The media rose magnificently to the occasion. Sky News produced an American 'intelligence expert' who persistently referred to Osama as Obama, leading to nonsensical statements such as: "Obama had to take Obama out because Obama knew that if Obama organised another......" Obama's measured and eloquent announcement, thankfully lacking in triumphalism, was rightly praised; especially as one's mind inevitably turned to how his oafish predecessor, Dubya, would have announced the news:

PRESIDENT BUSH (swathed in the Stars and Stripes): "Yo! Whoa! Goddamn!......we got him, mission accomplified......U-S-A, U-S-A!.......folks, we killed that dude Saddam bin Laden in Afpakistania!.........there's an ole' Texas saying......."(throws his shoe at himself in excitement).

The Pakistani Government adopted the Arsene Wenger defence: "Sorry, mate, didn't see a thing....our view of Osama was obstructed by the referee". Osama was then buried according to sacred Muslim tradition by being volleyed into the sea. Following Osama's demise, the list of the most evil men in the world has had to be modified as follows:

1) Colonel Gaddafi
2) Nick Clegg
3) Phil Mitchell
4) Wayne Rooney
5) Andrew Marr
6) Justin Bieber
7) Alan Titchmarsh
8) Margaret Thatcher
9) Prince Andrew
10)Dave Lee Travis

Meanwhile, some troubling questions remain unanswered: what will Osama's death mean for house prices? Did Osama like Kate's dress? What news of Les Dennis? Hollywood is apparently already making a film of the event with Sir Ben Kingsley as Osama and Ross Kemp as Obama. Think I'd rather watch Loose Women......

Oil spill chants

The toxic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has added a certain spice to the clash between England and the Yanks - but will it be reflected in the chants of the crowd? Some suggestions:

You're so slick it's unbelievable
The referee's a tanker
Who's the bastard covered in black?
Come and have a go if you think you know how to plug the damn leak
Are you Shell in disguise?
I'm forever blowing up oil rigs
Tony Hayward's going to get his fucking head kicked in
You're not making profits anymore
You don't know what you're doing
We all hate Leaks and Leaks and Leaks, we all fucking hate Leaks
BP's share price is Going down, going down, going down
We are BP, Obama doesn't like us, we don't care.

The crowd will then perform a Gulf Of Mexican wave goodbye to BP's future.

On Safari

Fabio Capello's first job, after trying to scarper to Inter Milan, was to welcome Michael Dawson to England's training camp. Dawson left England so quickly that many people mistook him for 'Arry Redknapp trying to avoid the taxman. We are told that boredom is a major problem for the players when they are not training; there is only one golf course in the area, an oversight which proves South Africa is yet to join the community of civilized nations. Fabio therefore decided to take the lads on a safari yesterday. Many of the players had only previously been this close to vicious, slow-moving, foul-breathed creatures during their encounters with Stoke City.

The safari was a great success with confirmed sightings including:

The Heskeyphant (Avoidus backofnet incessantum) - a huge, lumbering quadruped which, when aroused from its habitual torpor, is known to inflict terrible injuries on members of its own herd. Endangered species which nobody wants to save.

The Roonoceros (Scouser redcardi inevitabilis) - grunting, snorting, spitting, enraged beast which often charges at men wearing black and carrying a whistle. Usually monogamous but has been observed enjoying relations with older females in his territory.

The Hotspur Giraffe (Crouchensis ineleganti) - Immensely tall, stick-legged, gangly herbivore, known for its strange courtship dance. Has to be put down if it falls over.

There were even rumours of a Terrydactyl (Libido uncontrollabilis) on the riverbank, apparently trying to mate with a bit of stuff which used to be attached to a bridge. There was a potentially embarrassing moment when Jamie Carragher and Stevie Gerrard were surrounded by a pack of hyenas; apparently, the high-pitched yelps and excited squeaks emitted by the pair caused the hyenas to think they were members of a related species. Thankfully, Stevie G used his years of training in Merseyside nightclubs to good effect - he was filmed punching a hyena in the face a number of times before getting off scot free. The jaunt was declared over when Ashley Cole sneaked away with a couple of right wildebeest (Roxy and Shazza).

A tried and tested rule of World Cup campaigns is to get your excuses in early. David James started the ball rolling when he criticised the new football being used in the tournament as "terrible": James elaborated:"It's appalling, I actually managed to catch it the other day rather than abjectly spilling it into the back of the net. My reputation is in tatters". James's problem is compounded by the fact that Portsmouth were unable to afford a football last season and had to use a shuttlecock in training sessions.

INGERLAND, INGERLAND, INGERLAND...........

Beckham's Epistle

I was intrigued to hear that former England captain and stick insect lover David Beckham has written a two page letter in support of England's 2018 World Cup bid. I have managed to acquire a copy of this letter: