The Madness of Chancellor George

There was relief yesterday after it emerged that the police have finally cornered extremist fanatic, George 'Paleface' Osborne, in his Central London apartment. Osborne is wanted after the anaemic maniac recently went on a murderous rampage, cutting and slashing wildly and indiscriminately at poor and vulnerable minorities across the land. It is understood that Osborne was already known to the security services as a petty Qonservative and that he became seriously radicalised after a spell in the Bullingdon Club in his youth. A source told me:

"We know that Osborne has also been heavily influenced by the crazed free-market rantings of the notorious hate cleric, Thatchertollah Maggieini. He also attended an al-Qonservative training camp where he learned how to damage or destroy those less privileged than himself. Like many militants inspired by the radical ideology of al-Qonservatives, Osborne seems to have believed he would be rewarded in heaven if he reduced the 50p tax rate".

When he went on the spree against the poor and the elderly in Parliament on 21 March, Osborne shouted "Allahu Maggie" ("Thatcher is great" in Toryspeak), "Britain is open for business", and, chillingly, "I commend this Budget to the House".


Osborne: "It is easier for a rich man to pass through a camel, than to collect the 50p tax rate off him""

Questions are now being raised about how Osborne was able to get away with these terrible crimes. Perhaps the lesson is that the UK needs to be more aware of the different faces that violent al-Qonservative extremism can assume. The security source continued:

"Belonging to the al-Qonservatives is not an offence in and of itself, though some people think it should be; we cannot mix up free-market fundamentalism with hate crimes, even if we know there are elements that unite them."

For young, grossly wealthy, posh boys, of Tory background, in the Southern banlieus (suburbs), to feel the call of al-Qonservatives is not in itself unusual. What is different in Osborne's case is that he appears to have revelled in committing his brazen crimes in the middle of the day and with plenty of witnesses.

This whole episode should cause the whole of UK society to look at itself very deeply and question just how it was possible for our society to produce such a disaffected and odious young millionaire. Better intelligence may have stopped him sooner but, ultimately, only united opposition to this virulent and hate-filled faith will protect us from spiralling inequality and despair.

God moves in mysterious ways.....

The Archbeard of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has been sensationally sacked as manager of The Anglicans after 10 years in charge. In a characteristically ruthless move, God, the secretive oligarch owner of the Anglicans, wielded the axe today. In a commandment delivered by His spokesman, Archangel Gabriel, God thundered:

"I am sorry to have to smite Mr Williams but the team's performances recently have not been good enough and attendances have fallen to an all-time low. I would like record our gratitude for his work and express our disappointment that the relationship has ended but we need to remain competitive on all fronts, especially as the Muslim United team are challenging strongly."


Williams is said to be "dishevelled and hysterical" by his dismissal

Williams's reign was dogged by reports of the kind of changing-room unrest that previous Anglican managers have said led to their own downfall; there have been consistent reports of ongoing battles with senior players, such as Didier Sentamu. His team talks have been incomprehensible and he has lost too many players to hated rivals, The Catholics. The final straw appears to have been Williams desire to pick openly gay players for the first team.

There is no doubt who Anglican fans would like to see replace Williams - their favourite former messiah, Jose Christinho. However, doubts remain that Christinho will agree to a Second Coming, after the way God got rid of him the last time. He is said to still bear the scars of that ordeal and cannot understand why God forsook him. If there is no miraculous return, then Sentamu may become the first gap-toothed manager of the Anglicans.


Sentamu in the Anglicans new away kit

Olympic Dreams

The Olympic Games is the world's most exciting, important and brutally expensive sporting event; only Derby County v Nottingham Forest (and vice versa), The World Cup, The European Championships, The FA Cup Final, The Ashes, Horse of the Year Show, Cheese Rolling, and Moustache Growing can beat it. This year, of course, London will host this extravaganza of performance-enhancing drugs taking and, as an essential part of the interminable build-up, His Royal Highness Lord Sir Sebastian Coe, OM, MBE, has ordered me to inform the agog world of the latest hot tips for some of the events. So here goes:

CROSS-COUNTRY VOTE RIGGING

Vlad 'the Imposter' Putin's team have hit top form at just the right time, with some awesome displays of ballot box stuffing and multiple voting in the Russian qualifying rounds. Putin himself is also tipped to do very well in the Topless Brown Bear Grappling and Tiger Clobbering.

100 METRES PHOTO OPPORTUNITY

German sprinter Harry von Windsor has suddenly emerged as the favourite after his comprehensive defeat of a strangely lacklustre Usain Bolt in Jamaica last week. Harry left Bolt for dead after unleashing a devastating burst of Public Relations. Bolt's tardiness has been attributed to his appearance as Richard Branson in a recent pisspoor advertisement. Every mode of transport associated with Branson goes very, very slowly.

SABRE-RATTLING

The Argentinian team were fancied by many after recently resurrecting their renowned Malvinas manoeuvre. However, in recent weeks, those in the know say the Israelis, funded by US money, have recently embarked on vigorous and sustained rattling and now apppear on the verge of causing a real explosion. The secretive Iranian team are predicted to currently lack the firepower to defeat them in the first round.

GRECO-GERMAN WRESTLING

This seems the most one-sided contest in the whole of the pointless games. The German team, headed by dumpy, dour heavyweight Fraulein Merkel, is expected to continue the German run of success against the Greeks and have them in a deadly Fiscal Headlock immediately. Some say the Greeks have submitted already and there are rumours the team does not even possess the cash to travel to the Games.

THE BORE-ATHON

No contest here either. The US trio of Mitt Mittney, Rick Rickney, and Newt Newtney, all members of the Republican team, have been mercilessly boring their home crowd for seemingly months already and there is no sign they intend to stop anytime soon. The 'banning abortion' and 'anti-gay' routines prove particularly lethal.

INCOMPETENT SAILING, SYNCHRONISED DIVING, FRANTIC SWIMMING

The Italians, sponsored by Costa and badly led by their perma-tanned, womanising, crooner pilot Francesco Schettino will take some stopping (unless they hit an island). Recent exercises off Giglio and the Seychelles have proved wildly successful and the Back-to-Shore stroke is a real speciality of Schettino's, frequently leaving his team far behind while he returns to his hotel for an agreeable lunch.

INAPPROPRIATE BOXING (LOSERWEIGHT), TOSSING THE TRIPOD

Imbecilic British duo, David 'Haylord' Haye and Derek 'Arsehole' Chisora have been in noticeably good form. Their recent bout in Munich was a roaring success and manager Frank Warren is convinced the pair will garner lots of gold and silver for his pocket.

Wedding Balls

The baroque grandeur and moral authority of the Roman Catholic Church has been somewhat diminished of late by the appalling child sex abuse scandal; a scandal that destroyed thousands of innocent lives and caused terrible mental and physical anguish to its victims. This anguish was compounded by the reaction of the Catholic hierarchy to these allegations: obfuscation, dilatoriness, cover-ups, and outright denial were deemed the appropriate response to these criminal acts by some of their priests. Most people would agree that such abuse represents a stark example of a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right.

Of course, many Catholics were shocked and disgusted by these acts of betrayal, just as the vast majority of Muslims are shocked and disgusted by the murderous acts committed by jihadi extremists in the name of their religion. The Church hierarchy did finally issue a laughably belated apology, extracted through their teeth with red-hot pincers and the use of the rack......oh sorry, that was how the Church used to extract confessions from its enemies. Anyway, one would have thought that a period of quiet repentance and heartfelt humility - all traditional religious values - would have gone some way to repairing its tarnished image.

But lo! from the icy land of the Scotsmen there comes forth a voice in the wilderness by the name of Cardinal Keith O'Brien (former lead singer of The Prodigy), who is none other than Britain's senior Catholic. This visionary prophet, in a fiery sermon in the Sunday Telegraph, declares that two people who are in love getting married is, in fact, "a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right." Now, these two people, in the scenario he is alluding to, would be two men or two women: Dave 'Boy' Cameron is reportedly strongly in favour of legalising same-sex marriages.


O'Brien: "Hmmm, this feels like a gay head to me"

O'Brien is, of course, perfectly entitled to his voicing his objections and his views are unsurprising, if expressed in unnecessarily extreme terms. O'Brien raves on:

"it is clear that this proposal is not about rights, but rather is an attempt to redefine marriage for the whole of society at the behest of a small minority of activists".

Now, I may be wrong, but I was under the impression that Catholics are also a minority in this country; in fact, practising Christians are a minority. O'Brien is effectively accusing his opponents of the same tactics thhat he is employing so that argument won't wash. Also, O'Brien himself says that marriage is a "universal human right". If it's universal then it applies to every human being, whatever their sexuality. Any attempt to limit marriage to a man and a woman would therefore limit its universality so O'Brien is the one attempting to subvert it not its supporters.

I happen to think that same-sex marriage represents a welcome extension of an accepted human right to make it truly universal. To me, the fact that the people concerned are in love and want to marry is enough; their gender is irrelevant. I cannot believe that heterosexual mariage will be undermined by this extension:

"Morning, our lass, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you. The wedding's off - I've decided to marry Big Larry from the Dog & Duck just because I can".

Can't really see that happening. Mind you, I expect gay weddings would be far more fun than heterosexual weddings, with better dresses and far more flowers.

This intervention comes hot on the heels of a number of public figures complaining that religious people are under the cosh from rampant and brutal atheists/secularists (Professor Richard Dawkins mainly). Baroness Warsi, co-chair of the Conservative Party, recently warned, in a speech at the Vatican (go to Narnia and turn left), that British society was under threat from a wave of "militant secularists." She was moved to say this after 20 Christians were burnt at the stake at Smithfield. Once again, that was how "militant Christianity" used to behave - not quite the same level of severity, is it?


Militant secularist leads Warsi to her gruesome fate at the stake

MANCHESTER FLOODED WITH 'TORY IMMIGRANTS'

The people of Manchester have reacted with shock and alarm to a sudden influx of Tory immigrants from the Home Counties. Many of the Tories are believed to have made the arduous and potentially fatal 36 hour journey to Manchester on what is known as the 'Virgin Express', a secretive organisation run by The Bearded One, who is said to live in a hot air balloon. Many of them would have paid vast sums of money to travel on this route, enduring squalid, overcrowded and insanitary conditions. "It was perfectly ghastly", said one Tory, "there were 40 of us crammed into this container with no pheasant pie or Evian."


(Two of the Tory immigrants caught braying nonsense in Manchester)

In Manchester, the Tories are said to have isolated themselves in their own ghetto. One local said, "these Tories make no attempt to integrate with the local community. They keep to themselves, braying in their own strange language about "bringing back matron" and "hanging's too good for them", and they all seem to be called Sebastian or Rupert". Another said, "they come up here, getting rid of all our jobs and cutting our benefits. If it wasn't for the Human Rights Act, we could deport them all back to Maidenhead or Basingstoke where they belong. Surely we have a right not to be tortured by their terrible speeches and shiny faces?". It has even been suggested that the Tories have taken the dirty jobs which most Mancunians are not prepared to do, such as Secretary of State for Defence. It is believed many of the Tories may return to their homeland later in the week as supplies of champagne are said to be running low.

Meanwhile, the actress Amanda 'Foxy' Knoxy has received a much-needed boost to her career. After her recent starring role in the courtroom drama, 'Guilty As Hell', the homicidal temptress has caught the eye of raddled crooner and pornographer, Silvio Berlusconi.


(Knox Fox shows her delight at Berlusconi's offer)

Mr Berlusconi, 102, is believed to want ex-Charlie's Angel Knoxy to stay in Italy and become his Minister for No Justice. "I like a chick who can get away with murder. She reminds me of me and I wanna her in my bunga bunga parties.....I mean, government. Whatta mistaka to make."


(Berlusconi - "Hey, bambina, come to Uncle Silvio")

Germ Warfare

Across Europe people have been falling ill, tragically even dying, from this virulent and highly infectious illness. Symptoms include violent and copious vomiting; tsunamic diarrhoea; feelings of severe nausea, dizziness and lassitude; feverish sweating; brain cramps; and monomaniacal obsession with a particular person. Scientists are baffled, health experts stumped - just what has caused this outbreak of exponentially multiplying stories about Cheryl E. Coli? One suggestion is that a bacterium called Simonia Cowellensis is the microscopic organism to blame. This is an extremely toxic and terrifyingly ubiquitous germ which has the capacity to ravage human beings, robbing them not only of their physical health, but totally destroying their ability to think rationally. If the infection is not treated immediately, the victim becomes a gibbering wreck, robbed of all dignity and self-respect. Toxicologists have advised people to take the following steps if they want to avoid this lethal disease:

1) Avoid reading Daily Mirror/The Sun/Daily Star and, if you read one accidentally, disinfect your entire body afterwards;
2) Do not, under any circumstances, watch ITV. Simonia Cowellensis finds this barren, sterile environment ideal for breeding;
3) Always wash radishes.


(Enlarged photo of foul, pestilential virus, Simonia Cowellensis)

Speaking of harmful and unpleasant germs that need eradicating quickly, David Cameron MP has today unveiled his 'five guarantees' for the future of the NHS. Cameron, looking suave in a top hat, monocle and a Jimmy Choo negligee, vowed that:

1) Hospital waiting lists will be kept entirely for the poor;
2) Eugenics will be introduced free at the point of use for anybody who works for a public service;
3) The NHS will remain a free, universal service (except for those who cannot access it or afford it);
4) Local GPs will be handed an enormous amount of money so that they can ensure their bank accounts remain fit, healthy and their only concern. Any services that interfere with this noble aim will be discontinued;
5) Hospitals will be renamed morgues to reassure people that the NHS will remain safe in Conservative hands.


(Cameron: "I say, old bean, the poor really do stink, what?")

Hairy Story

The Libyan imbroglio continues with British Apache helicopters being deployed in action for the first time. The helicopters instantly proved their lethality by destroying a cement mixer and the Tripoli branch of Clinton's Cards. On the same day, a member of Britain's feared SAS (Silly Arse Squadron), Lieutenant William Hague, owner of slightly less hair than a helicopter, parachuted under cover of broad daylight into rebel-held Benghazi. Billy of Benghazi, as nobody will call him, held talks on the conflict with the motley crowd of rebels but 'Mad Dog' Gaddafi was not best pleased. In a short 8 hour rant, Gaddafi first of all called for Admiral Hague to be evicted from Libya as he could not understand his 'incomprehensible accent':

"Is this silly little bald man a Geordie? I cannot understand a word he say - what is this 'ee ba gum' of which he speaks?.......Hague should not visit Benghazi as is city run by armed criminal gangs who spend whole day driving around shooting their weapons. Law and order has broken down completely. It is equivalent of me making visit to Manchester or Liverpool."

It is understood the rebels would like to position General Hague so the blazing North African sun reflects off his ridiculously shiny Tory head into the eyes of the oncoming Gaddafi forces.


(Legendary British commando Private Hague, code name 'Stupid Boy')

Hague's visit got his dander up and he immediately commandeered a Spitfire and flew straight to Germany where he crash-landed on a cucumber farm. Hague leapt from the cockpit and began to frenziedly gnaw and masticate upon the humble yet possibly fatal fruit. His jaw was a blur of activity as his right-wing teeth sliced through the epidermis and the fleshy, pulpy innards. He was last seen standing like the Statue of Liberty, half-eaten cucumber in his outstretched arm, humming the 'Dambusters' theme music.

Another hero, Wazza Rooney, has taken steps to cure himself of incipient baldness by having a hair transplant. Rooney tweeted the glad tidings: "Just to confirm to all my followers I have had a hair transplant. I was going bald at 25 why not?" There was a slight delay at the start of the operation when the surgeon, Dr Kojak Goodhew, was unable to distinguish between the front and back of Rooney's head. His head was said to be 'bruised and swollen', but what it was like after the operation is unclear.


(Rooney: "I'm well made up with me follicle unit transplantation.")

His betrayed wife, Coleen, tweeted that she was "pleased for him and it will look great", thereby revealing that she refers to her beloved adulterer as 'it'.

Entertainment news - The powerful music mogul, Barry Porpoise, the man behind the highly successful talent show, The Cleethorpes Factor, has had to drop one of the most popular judges, Bessie Clawhammer, due to her Geordie accent being impenetrable to the people of that opulent resort. Comments such as "Why aye man, you remind us of a young Raoul Moat, canny lad" and "Listen, pet, you haven't got the vocal range of James Bolam yet" have not gone down well. The talent show, held every year in the Cleethorpes Cheese Emporium, is one of North-East Lincolnshire's hottest tourist attractions (ahead of Mablethorpe's 'So You Think You Can Inbreed'), even though it is an updated version of Opportunity Knocks, with added pointless screaming and deeply tedious and unending publicity. Porpoise is believed to be concentrating on his other gaudy end-of-the-pier show, Wigan's Got Talent, fronted by the desperate dwarves, Not-Funny and Even-Unfunnier.