The people of Manchester have reacted with shock and alarm to a sudden influx of Tory immigrants from the Home Counties. Many of the Tories are believed to have made the arduous and potentially fatal 36 hour journey to Manchester on what is known as the 'Virgin Express', a secretive organisation run by The Bearded One, who is said to live in a hot air balloon. Many of them would have paid vast sums of money to travel on this route, enduring squalid, overcrowded and insanitary conditions. "It was perfectly ghastly", said one Tory, "there were 40 of us crammed into this container with no pheasant pie or Evian."
(Two of the Tory immigrants caught braying nonsense in Manchester)
In Manchester, the Tories are said to have isolated themselves in their own ghetto. One local said, "these Tories make no attempt to integrate with the local community. They keep to themselves, braying in their own strange language about "bringing back matron" and "hanging's too good for them", and they all seem to be called Sebastian or Rupert". Another said, "they come up here, getting rid of all our jobs and cutting our benefits. If it wasn't for the Human Rights Act, we could deport them all back to Maidenhead or Basingstoke where they belong. Surely we have a right not to be tortured by their terrible speeches and shiny faces?". It has even been suggested that the Tories have taken the dirty jobs which most Mancunians are not prepared to do, such as Secretary of State for Defence. It is believed many of the Tories may return to their homeland later in the week as supplies of champagne are said to be running low.
Meanwhile, the actress Amanda 'Foxy' Knoxy has received a much-needed boost to her career. After her recent starring role in the courtroom drama, 'Guilty As Hell', the homicidal temptress has caught the eye of raddled crooner and pornographer, Silvio Berlusconi.
(Knox Fox shows her delight at Berlusconi's offer)
Mr Berlusconi, 102, is believed to want ex-Charlie's Angel Knoxy to stay in Italy and become his Minister for No Justice. "I like a chick who can get away with murder. She reminds me of me and I wanna her in my bunga bunga parties.....I mean, government. Whatta mistaka to make."
(Berlusconi - "Hey, bambina, come to Uncle Silvio")
