The toxic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has added a certain spice to the clash between England and the Yanks - but will it be reflected in the chants of the crowd? Some suggestions:
You're so slick it's unbelievable
The referee's a tanker
Who's the bastard covered in black?
Come and have a go if you think you know how to plug the damn leak
Are you Shell in disguise?
I'm forever blowing up oil rigs
Tony Hayward's going to get his fucking head kicked in
You're not making profits anymore
You don't know what you're doing
We all hate Leaks and Leaks and Leaks, we all fucking hate Leaks
BP's share price is Going down, going down, going down
We are BP, Obama doesn't like us, we don't care.
The crowd will then perform a Gulf Of Mexican wave goodbye to BP's future.
Friday 11 June 2010
Wednesday 9 June 2010
On Safari
Fabio Capello's first job, after trying to scarper to Inter Milan, was to welcome Michael Dawson to England's training camp. Dawson left England so quickly that many people mistook him for 'Arry Redknapp trying to avoid the taxman. We are told that boredom is a major problem for the players when they are not training; there is only one golf course in the area, an oversight which proves South Africa is yet to join the community of civilized nations. Fabio therefore decided to take the lads on a safari yesterday. Many of the players had only previously been this close to vicious, slow-moving, foul-breathed creatures during their encounters with Stoke City.
The safari was a great success with confirmed sightings including:
The Heskeyphant (Avoidus backofnet incessantum) - a huge, lumbering quadruped which, when aroused from its habitual torpor, is known to inflict terrible injuries on members of its own herd. Endangered species which nobody wants to save.
The Roonoceros (Scouser redcardi inevitabilis) - grunting, snorting, spitting, enraged beast which often charges at men wearing black and carrying a whistle. Usually monogamous but has been observed enjoying relations with older females in his territory.
The Hotspur Giraffe (Crouchensis ineleganti) - Immensely tall, stick-legged, gangly herbivore, known for its strange courtship dance. Has to be put down if it falls over.
There were even rumours of a Terrydactyl (Libido uncontrollabilis) on the riverbank, apparently trying to mate with a bit of stuff which used to be attached to a bridge. There was a potentially embarrassing moment when Jamie Carragher and Stevie Gerrard were surrounded by a pack of hyenas; apparently, the high-pitched yelps and excited squeaks emitted by the pair caused the hyenas to think they were members of a related species. Thankfully, Stevie G used his years of training in Merseyside nightclubs to good effect - he was filmed punching a hyena in the face a number of times before getting off scot free. The jaunt was declared over when Ashley Cole sneaked away with a couple of right wildebeest (Roxy and Shazza).
A tried and tested rule of World Cup campaigns is to get your excuses in early. David James started the ball rolling when he criticised the new football being used in the tournament as "terrible": James elaborated:"It's appalling, I actually managed to catch it the other day rather than abjectly spilling it into the back of the net. My reputation is in tatters". James's problem is compounded by the fact that Portsmouth were unable to afford a football last season and had to use a shuttlecock in training sessions.
INGERLAND, INGERLAND, INGERLAND...........
The safari was a great success with confirmed sightings including:
The Heskeyphant (Avoidus backofnet incessantum) - a huge, lumbering quadruped which, when aroused from its habitual torpor, is known to inflict terrible injuries on members of its own herd. Endangered species which nobody wants to save.
The Roonoceros (Scouser redcardi inevitabilis) - grunting, snorting, spitting, enraged beast which often charges at men wearing black and carrying a whistle. Usually monogamous but has been observed enjoying relations with older females in his territory.
The Hotspur Giraffe (Crouchensis ineleganti) - Immensely tall, stick-legged, gangly herbivore, known for its strange courtship dance. Has to be put down if it falls over.
There were even rumours of a Terrydactyl (Libido uncontrollabilis) on the riverbank, apparently trying to mate with a bit of stuff which used to be attached to a bridge. There was a potentially embarrassing moment when Jamie Carragher and Stevie Gerrard were surrounded by a pack of hyenas; apparently, the high-pitched yelps and excited squeaks emitted by the pair caused the hyenas to think they were members of a related species. Thankfully, Stevie G used his years of training in Merseyside nightclubs to good effect - he was filmed punching a hyena in the face a number of times before getting off scot free. The jaunt was declared over when Ashley Cole sneaked away with a couple of right wildebeest (Roxy and Shazza).
A tried and tested rule of World Cup campaigns is to get your excuses in early. David James started the ball rolling when he criticised the new football being used in the tournament as "terrible": James elaborated:"It's appalling, I actually managed to catch it the other day rather than abjectly spilling it into the back of the net. My reputation is in tatters". James's problem is compounded by the fact that Portsmouth were unable to afford a football last season and had to use a shuttlecock in training sessions.
INGERLAND, INGERLAND, INGERLAND...........
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