We were warned beforehand that the Italians, and Andrea Pirlo in particular, indulged in what is known as 'passing the ball', so England countered this threat by allowing Pirlo enough time and space to spray the ball around the park at will for the whole game. In contrast, England's main playmaker, ex-Hollyoaks star, Stevie 'Steven' Gerrard, performed an impression of recently deceased Lonesome George, before apparently retiring from the game completely after about 48 minutes; he made a brief reappearance after about 72 minutes when he contrived to get cramp, despite having previously shown no signs of using any of his muscles. Wayne Rooney, too, finally put paid to the oft-intoned canard that he is a 'world-class footballer' - he is not. Rooney is a very good footballer who occasionally scores world-class goals for Manchester United but, on the international stage, he has never delivered when it mattered, apart from a very brief efflorescence in Euro 2004: his last World Cup campaign, for instance, was notable mainly for an ill-tempered outburst against the fans who were foolish enough to travel half way round the world to cheer him on. In fact, he often renders himself incapable of playing when it matters by wildly swinging his Scouse studs at foreign flesh and being summarily dismissed for his efforts.
The game was often saved from being merely torturous by the entertainment value of Mario Balotelli, permanently poised on the cusp of outright lunacy. Has anyone on a football field wore a facial expression so expressive of imminent savage violence/childish tantrum/sublime talent as this ridiculous specimen?
The penalty shoot-out ran to script despite the fragile flame of hope engendered by England briefly taking the lead. Pirlo responded with a penalty of daring and delicacy, before Ashley Young tried to ensure the Euros moved further eastward by attempting to leather the ball into Moldova, the crossbar inconveniently interposing itself. Ashley Cole actually looked surly and indifferent before his attempt, as if resenting the fact that he actually had to prove he was obviously going to miss. Cue a return to the studio to a giggling Alan Hansen. Our abysmal record at penalties hides a more fundamental failure: at every tournament, the England players are completely knackered by half-time of the quarter-finals. There is no way we will ever win a major footballing tournament if you can barely drag yourself on to the field of play at the start of a match. Even Rooney, who had languished in the stands in the group stages, biting his skull and punching his teeth, looked shattered early on, the sweat glistening on his tuberous cranium.
This campaign has, though, marked a refreshing break from recent tournaments as it was accompanied by a welcome blast of hard-nosed realism about our chances of success; gone were the chest-beating, posturing nationalism, ludicrously over-hyped expectations, and bellicose, embarrassing and historically inaccurate blaring tabloid headlines ("ENGLAND EXPECTS EVERY BLOKE TO GIVE SWEAT, MUCUS, AND......er.......FIGHT THEM ON THE PLATEAUS........LET'S SHOW THE NAZI ARGIES WHO REALLY WON THE BATTLE OF DUNKIRK......er........CHURCHILL"). Instead, most people were astonished England progressed beyond the group stage. Perhaps, ahead of our futile World Cup 2014 campaign, the red tops will go the opposite way entirely: "ENGLAND'S REJECT BENEFIT SCROUNGERS NOT FIT TO WEAR ADMIRAL CROMWELL'S FLIP-FLOPS". Our defeat, though, did have one avert one nightmare scenario, darkly hinted at by comic genius Gary Lineker when he signed off the BBC's coverage - what would the Germans have done to that team if we had won?
