Casualty City

Nurse: Hello, are you the new doctor?

Doctor: Yes, I am. Oh dear……

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: I think there is already a simmering sexual tension between us, a tension which will be unaffected by scenes of blood and gore all around us.

Nurse: My God, you’re right. I am now looking at you with adoring, hero-worshipping eyes.

Charlie Fairface: Get ready everybody, there’s been a desperately unlikely and tortuously convoluted multiple accident. Expect a lot of badly injured character actors, many of whom have appeared in the series before, and in other programmes you cannot quite place but will certainly include The Bill. Here we go.

Patient: Ouch…..oh God…….ouch, that smarts…….I’m a distinctly dodgy patient with an obscure and tedious rift with my daughter. We loathe each other but, thanks to a graze on my left shin and interference into other people’s private lives by a nurse, we will resolve our lifelong differences in under an hour……

Fairface: Get me an intravenous stethoscraper and 400.567millipedes of oxy riboenucleooxyurehtramoxin………….

Nurse: Sorry, Charlie, I was just wondering how many times you are going to leave the series, live in Ghana or Coventry, and come back again for no apparent reason. Fancy a drink to celebrate?

Fairface: OK, everybody, 1, 2, 3…

(Sound of people straining to lift a patient and the patient’s cries of pain)

Patient: ‘Ere Nurse, I’m a seedy old bloke who will continually pester you with suggestive or racist remarks. You will respond with a weary sigh and by asking all your colleagues if they fancy a drink after work, even though it is never clear what time of night your shift actually ends.

Voice: Where’s my son? I need to see my son so we can have a row about the most intimate family secrets in front of a crowd of strangers.

Fairface: Ah, here’s the handsome, brilliant, but mentally unstable surgeon

Surgeon: Hi, I left Eastenders expecting to be cast in a major new drama series but that didn’t work out and I ended up here instead…………..Nurse, fall in love with me……..Charlie, look empathetic and concerned………….I need to find a hopelessly caricatured faceless bureaucrat I can argue with about resources……….

Fairface: That’s it, I resign………….