At damn bloody last! Yes, Gordon Brown took the short journey to the Palace on Tuesday to ask Lizzie von Windsor to dissolve Parliament and launch the 2010 General Election. Frenzied excitement ensued: Corin Redgrave popped his clogs; Lenny Henry and Dawn French announced their marriage was over due to 'irreconcilable differences over how to reduce the deficit', and the 24 hour news media became immediately absurd. Helicopters clattered above Whitehall, media tents were erected opposite Parliament, and a gaunt Nicholas Witchell somehow penetrated the tight security around Buckingham Palace. The Sky News royal correspondent appeared to be hopelessly in love with the Queen: "She is such a polite and pleasant person" he oozed, as if reassuring us that she would not scream at Brown: "EFF OFF OUT OF MY PALACE, YOU GREY-SKINNED GIT!".
Dave Cameron launched his campaign on the South Bank opposite Parliament, surrounded by young, beautiful Tories who must all, inexplicably, have been waiting to take a turn around the London Aquarium at exactly the time he rolled up. Cameron declared that he would be campaigning on behalf of the 'The Great Ignored', who appeared to comprise absolutely everybody above the age of 18. Brown, meanwhile, ordered his surly mob of a Cabinet ouside Number 10 to prove that: "I am not a team of one but one of a team" before boring everybody by banging on about his 'ordinary middle-class background'; the strain of suppressing yawns and grimaces was evident on all the Cabinet's faces - apart from David Miliband whose face is fixed in a permanent grimace. Clegg appeared in front of a pair of revolving doors with Vince Cable, who looked at his leader with ill-disguised contempt.
Brown was then chased through the streets of London by Sky's roving helicopter, like a scene from 'The Fugitive'. He took shelter in St Pancras Station where, fortuitously, a group of adolescent Labour supporters just happened to be hanging about on the concourse. Brown bulldozed through the station, yawping at people and brutally stroking kids with his great clunking fist. He later turned up at a Morrisons in Kent, where he proceeded to garner votes by pushing in front of old ladies in the checkout queue, laughing very loudly at innocuous comments, and invading the staff canteen and ruining the lunchtime Pot Noodles of Janice and Wayne from the sweets counter. One spotty dude, sensing glory, asked him: "Do you fancy a job here?", a question Brown was significantly unable to answer. Cameron fled northwards to a hospital in Birmingham where he immediately rolled up his sleeves (copyright: T. Blair) and shed his tie (ditto) and interrogated bemused, ill Brummies about how good the food was. Still, didn't the equine Sam Cameron look nice in them clothes things she was wearing? I do hope Sarah Brown wears some clothes things too.......
Dave Cameron launched his campaign on the South Bank opposite Parliament, surrounded by young, beautiful Tories who must all, inexplicably, have been waiting to take a turn around the London Aquarium at exactly the time he rolled up. Cameron declared that he would be campaigning on behalf of the 'The Great Ignored', who appeared to comprise absolutely everybody above the age of 18. Brown, meanwhile, ordered his surly mob of a Cabinet ouside Number 10 to prove that: "I am not a team of one but one of a team" before boring everybody by banging on about his 'ordinary middle-class background'; the strain of suppressing yawns and grimaces was evident on all the Cabinet's faces - apart from David Miliband whose face is fixed in a permanent grimace. Clegg appeared in front of a pair of revolving doors with Vince Cable, who looked at his leader with ill-disguised contempt.
Brown was then chased through the streets of London by Sky's roving helicopter, like a scene from 'The Fugitive'. He took shelter in St Pancras Station where, fortuitously, a group of adolescent Labour supporters just happened to be hanging about on the concourse. Brown bulldozed through the station, yawping at people and brutally stroking kids with his great clunking fist. He later turned up at a Morrisons in Kent, where he proceeded to garner votes by pushing in front of old ladies in the checkout queue, laughing very loudly at innocuous comments, and invading the staff canteen and ruining the lunchtime Pot Noodles of Janice and Wayne from the sweets counter. One spotty dude, sensing glory, asked him: "Do you fancy a job here?", a question Brown was significantly unable to answer. Cameron fled northwards to a hospital in Birmingham where he immediately rolled up his sleeves (copyright: T. Blair) and shed his tie (ditto) and interrogated bemused, ill Brummies about how good the food was. Still, didn't the equine Sam Cameron look nice in them clothes things she was wearing? I do hope Sarah Brown wears some clothes things too.......
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