Olympic Dreams

The Olympic Games is the world's most exciting, important and brutally expensive sporting event; only Derby County v Nottingham Forest (and vice versa), The World Cup, The European Championships, The FA Cup Final, The Ashes, Horse of the Year Show, Cheese Rolling, and Moustache Growing can beat it. This year, of course, London will host this extravaganza of performance-enhancing drugs taking and, as an essential part of the interminable build-up, His Royal Highness Lord Sir Sebastian Coe, OM, MBE, has ordered me to inform the agog world of the latest hot tips for some of the events. So here goes:

CROSS-COUNTRY VOTE RIGGING

Vlad 'the Imposter' Putin's team have hit top form at just the right time, with some awesome displays of ballot box stuffing and multiple voting in the Russian qualifying rounds. Putin himself is also tipped to do very well in the Topless Brown Bear Grappling and Tiger Clobbering.

100 METRES PHOTO OPPORTUNITY

German sprinter Harry von Windsor has suddenly emerged as the favourite after his comprehensive defeat of a strangely lacklustre Usain Bolt in Jamaica last week. Harry left Bolt for dead after unleashing a devastating burst of Public Relations. Bolt's tardiness has been attributed to his appearance as Richard Branson in a recent pisspoor advertisement. Every mode of transport associated with Branson goes very, very slowly.

SABRE-RATTLING

The Argentinian team were fancied by many after recently resurrecting their renowned Malvinas manoeuvre. However, in recent weeks, those in the know say the Israelis, funded by US money, have recently embarked on vigorous and sustained rattling and now apppear on the verge of causing a real explosion. The secretive Iranian team are predicted to currently lack the firepower to defeat them in the first round.

GRECO-GERMAN WRESTLING

This seems the most one-sided contest in the whole of the pointless games. The German team, headed by dumpy, dour heavyweight Fraulein Merkel, is expected to continue the German run of success against the Greeks and have them in a deadly Fiscal Headlock immediately. Some say the Greeks have submitted already and there are rumours the team does not even possess the cash to travel to the Games.

THE BORE-ATHON

No contest here either. The US trio of Mitt Mittney, Rick Rickney, and Newt Newtney, all members of the Republican team, have been mercilessly boring their home crowd for seemingly months already and there is no sign they intend to stop anytime soon. The 'banning abortion' and 'anti-gay' routines prove particularly lethal.

INCOMPETENT SAILING, SYNCHRONISED DIVING, FRANTIC SWIMMING

The Italians, sponsored by Costa and badly led by their perma-tanned, womanising, crooner pilot Francesco Schettino will take some stopping (unless they hit an island). Recent exercises off Giglio and the Seychelles have proved wildly successful and the Back-to-Shore stroke is a real speciality of Schettino's, frequently leaving his team far behind while he returns to his hotel for an agreeable lunch.

INAPPROPRIATE BOXING (LOSERWEIGHT), TOSSING THE TRIPOD

Imbecilic British duo, David 'Haylord' Haye and Derek 'Arsehole' Chisora have been in noticeably good form. Their recent bout in Munich was a roaring success and manager Frank Warren is convinced the pair will garner lots of gold and silver for his pocket.