Up the Injunction

Controversy continues to rage about the use of injunctions, or super-injunctions, taken out by celebrities/footballers/chefs/footballers to protect unwholesome details of their extra-curricular activities being splashed all over the tabloids. The blogosphere and the Twitterati have been rife with rumours as to the identities of these misbehaving litigants. One is thought to be a footballer called Bryan Jiggs whom, I can exclusively reveal, I have never heard of. Jiggsy allegedly enjoyed romps in hotel rooms with former Big Brother slapper George Orwell or someone. Elephant-eared, wide-gobbed satyr Andrew Marr outed himself as one of the instigators; he took out an injunction believing he had begat an ugly baby after an affair with another journalist. But some of the rumours are wrong - Jemima Khan was greatly distressed when it was alleged that she had taken out an injunction to prevent publication of intimate photos of her with Jeremy Clarkson. Khan said “The allegations are ludicrous. Everybody knows that it is Richard Hammond who has his tongue wedged up Clarkson’s cleft, not me”.

I can also reveal the following injunctions have been applied for:

Mr Nick Clegg and All Students

Nick Clegg is believed to have conducted a passionate affair with thousands of students in the period before the last General Election. One female student revealed “Nick Clegg wooed me with flowers, chocolates, and policy pledges. He said if I promised to vote for him forever he would look after me and pay for my degree in the History of Lawnmowers and Synchronised Swimming Studies at the University of Trumpton. Then, he stopped answering my calls, he ignored my protests. I feel so used and cheap. He’s put me off Liberal Democrats for life“.

Mr Tony Blair and Mr Colonel Gaddafi


(Blair: "My word of honour, I have never met Gaddafi")

Colonel Gaddafi alleges that Tony Blair struck up a starry-eyed romance after they met on a camping holiday in Libya. Blair pestered Gaddafi with mucky texts such as: “I want you to cover me in your oil, Mad Dog baby” and “I want to park my massive tanker in your lovely harbour. Cherie sends her love”. Blair is now frantically trying to prevent details of this relationship being made public as it might make, say, the Uzbek Toilet Roll Fellowship think twice before paying him £25,000 a second to listen to his self-justificatory, pseudo-religious claptrap of an evening.


(Blatter looks contrite after bribery allegations)

In other news, allegations of widespread corruption at FIFA have provoked a storm of no surprise whatsoever. It seems that money may have changed hands before Qatar’s laughably successful bid to host the World Cup in 2022. The appalling Sepp Blatter promised FIFA would move “very fast to fully ignore the evidence before finding everybody not guilty. Now, I have to go to a meeting with the Antarctica and Sahara Desert World Cup 2026 bid teams”. But perhaps English football is not so clean: can there be any other explanation for Birmingham City winning a trophy this season?