Obamarama

Elongated US President Bazza Obama, his statuesque wife, Michael, and a modest entourage of 32,678, descended on plucky Blighty this week. The royal couple started in Ireland, from whence Obama's great-great-great grandad, Norris McWhirter O'bama, left to seek his fortune in the USA. Sadly, his dreams turned to ashes and he ended his days as a bison in the Badlands of North Alabamassippi; he finally came to grief when he was kicked to death by feared Sioux warrior and architect Chief Galloping Nostril (immortalised by a raging Charles Hawtrey in the classic romantic comedy 'Nostril Kicks a Bison to Death').

As it was a state visit, the Obamas were taken in their 2 mile long Cadillac, nicknamed 'The Beast', to Buck House, where Liz and Phil had interrupted a game of British Bulldog in order to greet them. Liz peered down the Mall and inquired: "Have you see The Beast?". Phil replied, "Yes, Camilla's in the khazi munching on a bale of hay". When The Beast finally pulled up, Phil whispered to Liz: "Are these the new servants you were talking about?". Obama uncoiled himself from the Beast's depths and said:

OBAMA: "Hi....Yes, we can!.....how are you, your royal Edinboroughness"

PHIL: "Bloody hell, it's Huggy Bear!"

OBAMA: "I hear you guys were in Irelandland last week....Yes, we can!....did you enjoy the craic over there?"

PHIL: "No, Mr Bear, Lizzie keeps me on a tight leash these days. She wouldn't even let me attack the black stuff.....no offence meant, Mr Freeman."


(OBAMA: "Psst, your husband thinks I'm Huggy Bear. LIZ: "I'm sorry, Mr Luther King, he's from Greece.")

Obama made a speech to MPs and Peers in the ancient surroundings of Westminster Hall. One row consisted of all the living former Prime Ministers: Brown, Blair, Major, Cameron - but no Thatcher. The Iron Lady was too busy mixing eye of newt and kneecap of bat in her cauldron at home. Her welcome absence presented a dilemma - who could replace one of the most hated political figures in British history? Step forward, Mr Clegg, your time has come! Blair and Brown sat uneasily next to each other; they reminded of something but I could not put my finger on it. Then it came to me:


(Cissie Blair and Ada Brown enjoy emotional reunion)

Fortunately, I was able to lipread their conversation:

BLAIR: "Eee, Browny love, I hear you fancy going t'IMF."

BROWN: (looks puzzled, gurns, pushes up man boobs) "Nay, Blairy lass, I don't fancy any more bairns, not with me being a martyr to me...(mouths "haemorrhoids").

BLAIR: (Tuts) "Don't be so silly, Browny love, that's IVF, you twattish barm cake."

Meanwhile, it's been a bad few weeks for fugitive war criminals. First, Osama had his beard blown off by Steven Seagal; then, brutal Serb warlord Ratko Mladic was found lurking in a Serbian skip; and now, the most ruthless of them all, Sepp Blatter, leader of the notoriously corrupt mafia mob, FIFA, has been accused of corruption himself. Amazingly, his case has been referred to FIFA's ethics committee! FIFA has an ethics committee?! That's akin to the SS having an Etiquette Panel. Still, Obama's final gesture showed just how much he values the 'special relationship': he authorised the extradition of the notorious slapper of female toilet attendants, scrawny Geordie warbler Cheryl Cole, back to the UK. Cheers, canny lad!