Video Nasties

The Americans continue to drip-feed us information about their special forces day trip to Pakistan. One video shows an uncertain Osama fluffing his lines while filming one of his excitingly interminable video messages:

"Good morning, everyone. My name is Osama bin Laden and you are all going to die. Now, who would live in a house like this?.....sorry, can we do that again?"

Another video shows a grey-bearded Osama watching one of his own videos; so not only was he a mass murderer but the vain git also dyed his hair. Many of these murderous despots - Mubarak, Gaddafi, Cameron - seem fond of slapping the old black dye on their terrible heads. Osama was believed to be watching this video on a Saturday evening as Pakistani TV is notoriously dire at this time, consisting purely of infantile game shows, a lame and formulaic hospital drama, and raucous and wildly overrated 'talent' shows. We must be thankful that we do not have to put up with such drivel on a Saturday evening, despite the sterling efforts of Vernon Kay.

I have also managed to acquire exclusive video of Osama relaxing in front of the recent royal wedding, blithely unaware of the terrible fate that will soon befall Kate Middleton.....I mean, Osama himself. His running commentary can just be heard:

"Look at the Zionist imperialist infidel pig-dogs.........I knew we should have bombed this instead of the Olympics (turns to camera) can we edit that last comment out?.........Nice to see Kate wearing face veil.........Phwoar, look at Kate's sister, she is decent bit of Western totty, would make good wife number 20 for Osama (sound of wife number 19 complaining bitterly)........calm down, darling, Osama only making joke with you, innit babe?.......Crikey, look at bastard Posh Spice, why she always look so bloody miserable? She got face like slapped camel's arse. Perhaps she just listen to her last album....HA, HA, HA , HA, HA.....Hey, wives, start laughing, Osama just make bloody funny joke (sound of lacklustre laughter).....look, you knew what I was like when you married me, now get in kitchen and get Osama a bastard Ginsters pasty.........good decision to make Kate's dress an ivory gown with lace applique and rose, thistle, daffodil and shamrock details............what is this Fearne Cotton thing? Osama would like to hit her on back of neck with bastard plank............there is Elton John with Yankee imperialist wife, I hope he sings 'Saturday Night's All Right for Bombing'........WE WANT A KISS, WE WANT A KISS!......Osama bored now, where is bastard remote?"

In other news, former Wings bassist, Paul 'Macca' McCartney (Stella's dad), has announced his engagement to wealthy American heiress, Nancy Shevell; many people are sceptical as they think Macca is marrying her purely for her money. After his last disastrous marriage, Macca said he was looking for "a strong woman who can stand on her own two feet".