You Say Osama, I Say Obama....

So, the Americans have finally killed that perpetrator of terrible violence, Henry Cooper. No, of course this is the news of the death of gangly, bearded Yankophobe, Osama bin Laden, the 'most wanted man in the world'. (the most wanted woman in the world is, apparently, Pippa Middleton). Osama was taken out in his retirement villa just before settling down to Loose Women, a programme which validates many of his views about Western civilisation. When the news broke crowds of drunken, bone-headed students congregated outside the White House, punching the air and chanting "U-S-A, U-S-A!" in that acutely annoying way they use whenever the US is deemed to have kicked some goddamn foreigner's ass. Many seemed to have mistaken an international event for a home score in Base Hockey, or whatever bloody silly game they play over there.

The media rose magnificently to the occasion. Sky News produced an American 'intelligence expert' who persistently referred to Osama as Obama, leading to nonsensical statements such as: "Obama had to take Obama out because Obama knew that if Obama organised another......" Obama's measured and eloquent announcement, thankfully lacking in triumphalism, was rightly praised; especially as one's mind inevitably turned to how his oafish predecessor, Dubya, would have announced the news:

PRESIDENT BUSH (swathed in the Stars and Stripes): "Yo! Whoa! Goddamn!......we got him, mission accomplified......U-S-A, U-S-A!.......folks, we killed that dude Saddam bin Laden in Afpakistania!.........there's an ole' Texas saying......."(throws his shoe at himself in excitement).

The Pakistani Government adopted the Arsene Wenger defence: "Sorry, mate, didn't see a thing....our view of Osama was obstructed by the referee". Osama was then buried according to sacred Muslim tradition by being volleyed into the sea. Following Osama's demise, the list of the most evil men in the world has had to be modified as follows:

1) Colonel Gaddafi
2) Nick Clegg
3) Phil Mitchell
4) Wayne Rooney
5) Andrew Marr
6) Justin Bieber
7) Alan Titchmarsh
8) Margaret Thatcher
9) Prince Andrew
10)Dave Lee Travis

Meanwhile, some troubling questions remain unanswered: what will Osama's death mean for house prices? Did Osama like Kate's dress? What news of Les Dennis? Hollywood is apparently already making a film of the event with Sir Ben Kingsley as Osama and Ross Kemp as Obama. Think I'd rather watch Loose Women......