Caine and Unable

The election has been enthralling the nation for minutes now; Camilla has even broken her leg launching herself off a Scottish mountain in a crazed bid to escape the excitement (or possibly Charlie reciting 'The Old Man of Lochnagar' to her yet again - details are still confused). Despite this jollity, there was a gaping void in the campaign - the lack of celebrities. Has Paul Daniels issued his traditional threat to leave the country if Labour wins? Is Tess Daly no longer interested in the married couples tax allowance? Does Sir Alex Ferguson think postponing the National Insurance rise is "typical Conservatives"? But wait, what's this? Why, if it isn't Sir Michael Cockney, exhumed by the Cameronservatives to speak in favour of its new wheeze, a National Citizen Service.

Caine, a sprightly 105 years old, proved that actors really do need to stick to the script. He began by whingeing about his national service, which he "hated"; he then appeared to think the election was already over, referring to the Conservatives as "the Government". Caine then droned about his younger days running around the Elephant and Castle and blathered: "I'm a representative of all those young people who have been forgotten in this country". Caine and Cameron then buggered off to a school where a bewildered Caine was sat next to a youth with an orange afro of Millennium Dome dimensions. Caine sympathised with the deprived youngsters before getting into his chauffeur-driven car for the short drive back to his Chelsea mansion.

Cameron, who was successfully removed from his conjoined twin Sam at Great Ormond Street that morning, revealed that he had performed voluntary service when a pink-faced, annoying teenager: " I visited elderly and vulnerable people near Windsor". That should bring back happy memories if Dave wins the election and is presented to Lizzie and Phil the Greek: "Hell's teeth, Liz, it's that bloody awful little oik who wanted to clean our windows. Here's 10p, now sod off!"

Speaking of bloody oiks, Boris has been allowed out! The floppy-haired, generously-girthed, serial philanderer accompanied Dave to the Royal Chelsea Hospital, where grizzled veterans of affairs with John Terry and Ashley Cole, many with terrible wounds, are cared for. Bozza arrived on his bike and declared to the security guard: "The future Prime Minister is visiting today", although whether he was referring to Cameron or himself was unclear. Cameron looked overjoyed to see Bozza; at one point he nearly looked at him. Hacks were gagging for a Boris gaffe and, after a period of inarticulate rumbling and hair tugging, he duly delivered. Over tea and cakes in the sunshine, Cameron expounded about the bloody silly voluntary National Citizen Service, much to the incomprehension of the red-coated heroes. Suddenly Boris woke up, sprayed crumbs, performed hair origami, and bellowed: "Why don't we make it compulsory?" There was a momentary embarrassed silence, the Chelsea pensioners commiserated with Dave on the shocking conduct of his fat brother, and the whole visit was swiftly curtailed.

Sam Cam enjoyed her new found freedom by wandering around a garden centre near Leeds. Elegantly attired in some clothes on her body and her legs, she pointed at some shrubs and looked at begonias before retiring to a local transport cafe she called "Daddy's mansion", where she enjoyed an agreeable luncheon of Peasant Pie, Roasted Grayling, Posh Tart, washed down by 6 cans of Carlsberg. Her opponent, Sarah Brown, was said to be "discomfited" by a heckler who yelled at her: "Will you get your husband to tell the truth?". The heckler was believed to be a disturbed multi-millionaire from Liverpool, Mrs Cherie Blair.

Meanwhile, the Lib Dems are reprising that great '70s sitcom, 'On the Buses', albeit with considerably funnier policies and less enlightened attitudes towards women. 'Inspector' Cable can frequently be heard groaning, "I'll get you, Cleggy", as the hapless Clegg promises not to increase VAT and pinches Sarah Teather's bum. They are careering unnoticed around the country in their Battle Bus, a vomit-yellow monstrosity, occasionally picking up passengers in a bid to raise much needed campaign funds. The Ministry of Defence is rumoured to be interested in purchasing the bus to replace the heavily armoured tandems, currently used to transport 'our boys' in Helmand.

We now have the first casualty of the campaign: Stuart MacLennan, Labour candidate in Moray, has been caught posting obscene and abusive tweets. Many are too foul mouthed to repeat on a respectable blog but the most reprehensible included: "Vote Labour", "A Future Fair for All", and, most unforgiveably, "Gordon Brown will serve five more years as PM. Am drunk again". The Cabinet were united in condemning the last tweet, calling it "disgraceful" and "totally unacceptable behaviour".

Finally, the most grotesque image of the day. Lib Dem activists in disgraced Geoff 'Buff' Hoon's former constituency, Ashfield, have labelled the Labour candidate, raven-haired ex-GMTV presenter Gloria Del Piero, "Geoff Hoon in a skirt". Mr Hoon was understandably outraged: "The Lib Dems know that I never wear a skirt, although for £3,000 a day + VAT, I promise to do absolutely anything you want. Fancy a good time, mister?".