ALASTAIR STEWART: Good evening and welcome to the most historic event in the history of the world. History is truly in the making tonight as ITV, for the first time in the history of mankind, shows a programme without the participation of Ant and Dec. Truly historic, I think you will agree. Let us begin.
CLEGG: Good evening.
BROWN: I agree with Nick, it is a good evening and I have ensured that 22.5% of evenings have got better under New Labour, an increase of.....
STEWART: Shut up. Mr Cameron.
CAMERON (looking into the distance): Good evening everybody. I met a black man the other day and I also wished him a good evening, although there won't be many good evenings when we go to war with China.
CLEGG: Look, they are both as bad as each other, these tired ways of wishing people 'good evening' have to stop. We can do greetings differently from the old, corrupt ways. As a pipe fitter in Hull said to me three weeks last Wednesday.....
BROWN: I think Nick agrees with me on that.
CAMERON: I think we can eliminate waste in our greetings to each other. We have already identified £67897.5 billion in savings simply by removing the word 'good', as well as by forcing civil servants to buy tea bags from Poundstretcher.
BROWN: We all know that Lord Ashcroft buys the airbrushed teabags for the Conservatives........er.......now what was the other joke Alastair Campbell told me to say?
STEWART: Just to let you know that the leaders of the unimportant parties that aren't English will have their own debate on.......er.......whenever. Your final statements please.
CAMERON: I can guarantee that a Conservative Government will not buy that extra dustbin lorry in Totnes and we will use the savings to fund the entire NHS......our brave troops.......Vote Conservative.
BROWN: My Mother and Father gave me the values that have guided me: hard work, responsibility, an aggressive, bullying manner, values that I'm sure Nick Clegg's parents would have agreed with.........our brave boys.......Vote Lib Dem....I mean, Labour.(runs headlong to the audience and maniacally starts shaking their hands)
CLEGG: I come from Sheffield......Our brave lads.......Vote hung parliament.
STEWART: Thank you for those historic comments that will undoubtedly change the course of history. The next eight hour debate will concentrate on regional development agencies. From somewhere up North, goodbye!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I was so totally awestruck by the slick, well-worth-every-dime-US-campaign-expert-styled glamour of this historic event that I failed to take on board a single word. Rather, I spent the evening whooping and punching the air in front of the box. I thank you, therefore, for the detailed transcript.
ReplyDeleteRon Howard has, reportedly, already bought the rights to turn this into a global blockbuster starring him what played Brian Clough as Stewart, Tom Cruise as Cameron, Johnny Vegas as Brown and, of course, Peter Sallis as Clegg.