Labour manifesto

It's manifesto time and Labour was first off with a launch event at a new hospital in Brum. As is de rigueur for political events these days, the main players were surrounded by a flock of adoring activists, all young, all well presented, some appearing to sport crazed Mephedrone-fuelled grins. Unfortunately, because of the way it was filmed, it appeared as though Brown and the Cabinet were actually being chased into the hospital by these alarming characters rather than leading them onwards.

The event was kicked off by Elly Gellard, a rising young Labour starlet, who blogs under the nom de plume, The Stilettoed Socialist, proving that Lord Mandelson is not the only Labour figure to favour that type of footwear. The presence of La Gellard raised a disturbing security question: how on earth did a socialist manage to infiltrate a New Labour event? Heads will assuredly roll. The error was compounded when it was later revealed that the cheeky minx had previously written that Brown should resign for the good of the party, a level of disloyalty which only the Cabinet could match. Her post apparently read: 'Omigod, like, Brown has, like, so got to resign? Like, omigod, I would, like, so much prefer Lady Ga Ga'(Harriet Harman's affectionate nickname in Labour circles).

Brown then bounded on to the stage and launched into an oration replete with repetitious platitudes. If you removed the word 'future' from his speech he would have said: "Morning....Vote Labour...Goodbye'. Labour, he declared, was "in the future business". What? He even bragged nonsensically that "the manifesto is written in the future tense". Well, if you are going to write about what you intend to do in the next five years, that certainly helps. Sadly, the Q & A session was marred by ill-mannered behaviour; hacks with perceived or open Tory sympathies, such as the geezer from The Sun, were heckled and jeered when they attempted to ask The Dour One about his tax policy. Even the BBC's Nick Robinson, bald pate gleaming in the spotlights, was roughed up. Brown quivered with glee at this boorishness and even managed to produce a genuine smile, rather than the pained reaction to red hot needles being threaded through his nipples he normally displays. Brown left the stage to the strains of 'Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher and Higher', although I suspect the Mephedrone also helped.

The cover of the manifesto raised more comment than its contents, mainly because of its similarity to previous Communist Party posters. It depicts a couple gazing at what apppears to me to be a massive nuclear explosion. Lord Mandelson, oleaginous of demeanour and wild of fringe, asserted the guiding theme of the manifesto was "Blair Plus" - although I actually think he said it was guided by "Bag Puss": "A saggy old manifesto, baggy and very loose at the seams........We will mend it, we will stitch it, and also guarantee four weeks paid paternity leave for new fathers". If the Conservative manifesto is inspired by Pipkins, then my vote is secured.

Bagpuss reads the manifesto: